AGHHHHH

Sunday morning, I woke up with my eyes tired, drained and exhausted. Even though they didn't feel swollen and puffy, I knew that they were. Saturday I cried. I sobbed and literally saw myself loosing myself. I have already said a lot and I can't go into the details of what I have been experiencing. This is not the place nor the way. It would take an amazing writer to really capture those vsiceral moments when we are our lowest. Once, we get to the computer, hours later, what ever has happened either in solitude or engaged with others, it has been mulled over and cerebralized. At this point, we have to guard our tongues and refrain from exposing ourselves and the ones that we love. If something is awfull enough to speak about it, then I must change it or remove myself from it. I would look like a fool if I complained and moaned to the blogisphere and did nothing. And came back the very next day complaining again and doing nothing. Regardles, whether I ever share what I am going through with anyone, it is me who has to make the decisions, choices and live them, no one else. Am I going to be active or passive in this trial I am facing? This is hard, because I really have to asses my role and how much my own behavior has contributed. I am seeing something in me that I saw in someone else. I have to figure out how to be triamphant with my plight - this might sound goofy, but I literally see myself on a track jumping hurtles. The questions is how do I dig myself out of the hole so I can begin running again - once upon a time I had so many tools to dig out and resurface, I even knew how to use them, drills with bits, hammers and wrenches. Now when I go to reach for them I notice they are gone. Someone has borrowing them with no intent on returning them and I have to figure out how to get them back, without breaking the deal. These tools kept me working. They kept me moving and they made me, me.