Stepping Carefully

For those of you who didn't know that my binats in pecking order consist of my percocious 6 year old step daughter, rightly named female lion, my almost 4 year old passive aggressive natural daughter who was wrongfully named after the quality of calmness and my fiesty 2 and some change year old who has a name I have yet been able decipher its origin. These are the Binats.
Coming into my marriage, I knew that my husband's daughter from a previous islamic marriage was going to play a major role in our relationship. Even when we met face to face on a sitdown (for all you philly sister, you know what I mean) she was there. While trying to ask all the important questions she ran around the musella, chewed up my stirofome cup and even bit my finger. But it wasn't until I peeped my husband from around the corner carrying her with the diaper bag comfortably slung around his shoulder and laying her down to be changed, talking gently to her and seeing her trust in him made me feel confident that I could see myself married to this man excepting stepmom-dom.
From the beginning, my husband wanted majority custody of her. At the time, the divide was equal coming out to 15 days here and 15 days there and it is amazing that even now he can still remember the schedule. Eventually as I officially moved in, met her mom and began assuming the duties of mommy in our house I soon realized that there were many details that I had over looked.
Beyond the obvious if getting to know my step daughter and gaining her trust, but also gaining the trust of the birth mother, especially when you are stepping a small child. Then comes the debate of over what kind of relationship was I going to forge with her mom? To be friends or not to be that is the question. And honestly, almost 6 years running I still haven't found the answer. Ideally, mom and step-mom should be co-moms, however theof emotions of feeling replaced by mom and the feeling of being an outsider by step mom causes constant hegimoney between the two. Also, whether to or not take on the role of being the liaison between my husband and his ex-wife in matters concerning their child. Again, I still haven't figured this one out either. In essence, step families, blended families and divorce with children is complicated.

In some situations, stepping gives rise to many of the same issues that are shared in polygyneous marriages. In our situation, my husband had two people and sometimes 3 including my step daughter vying for the attention of one man, but all in different ways. Ex-wife needed parental and financial support. Daughter needed love, security and structure. And me, I needed all of the above. And even though both families are seperate changes in one often more so than not, effects the other. For me, I have struggled with being flexible with the constant fluctuation of schedules, family dynamics and geographic changes. At times, leaving things in a less than harmoneous state. As well, I have seen my own kids suffer under the circumstances of having a part-time sister or the idea that she has another life apart from them.

At times, I became so overwhelmed that it almost cost my marriage. With my husband I had to step carefully, because I was always being tested on my loyalty to him and his daughter. Of course everyone is watching to see if my Wicked Step Mom qualities will come out and at times, I began to second guess myself.
Some advise that I which I had to learn the hard way. Never let your husband talk smack about his ex-wife. Unless she's a kaffir on crack, she's still a muslim and the mother of your step-child and you have to develope some type of working relationship with her. Always have a sister or two who have been there done that and equally don't back bite keeping everything halal. Learn the art of negotiation and try and take the switzerland approach on tuff issues. And for birth moms, always know that step-mom will never replace you, respect her and join forces against spoiled kids.